Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
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Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
War & Peace
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Him: Every Christmas we have pigs in blankets
Me: What a terrible way to talk about your relatives
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
OMG 🤣🤣
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.