Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
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the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
“I wouldn’t.”
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.