Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

Detective: the suspect is described as having “really lame skateboard tricks”

Suspect #1:

Suspect #2:

Me [holding back tears]: I bet the suspect is also maybe described as a beginner who is trying his best

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.

Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…

Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.

Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler

Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*

pizza

Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

my dog when i have a friend over

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

Quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not working

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?

A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.