Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

Tony Hawk: *does a 360*

Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.

Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…

My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck

My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.

The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.

I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her

Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”

Trinity: but why though

Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”

Buying a well is money well spent.

As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

[first time at church]

me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.