Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?

Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest

I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep

I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

nobody:
ppl with clear cases:

Establish dominance by retweeting subtweets you know are about you.

I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.

Not to brag but the USA has nicer neighbors than Canada.

One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.

If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!

Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers

4:

Me:

4: Next time buy ones with candy in them

how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours

One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.

“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”

*drops string cheese*

“This hole is no cause for alarm”

*picks up string cheese*

*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*

Lil Brain – Out of Leads

Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.

Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”