Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.

[stranded on a desert island]

*plane flies over head and drops a letter*

Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!

*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warranty

Me: Sonofa-

Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be

Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?

I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby

People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours

My parents: Cool

My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me

Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.

(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week

ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.

“Wow,” she says.

Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…

Chaffing.

That’s all I’m saying…

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.