Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.

Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.

I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle

coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.

me: God?

coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.

me: (nods) Cheesus.

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.

Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,

say, “I lost half a super-model”

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?

terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live

me:

terminator: i said come with me if

me: i heard you the first time

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

told my husband I needed a compliment before bed and he called me “steadfast and chaste” I….

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that

Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here

Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.

Bringing them to the yard is easy

– bear traps will keep em’ there

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you

Me: Girl, quit while you’re ahead