ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
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I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.