Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

$4 #usedbooks

Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.

“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics

“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer

This line from Airplane.

“Nevertheless”

~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie

Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.

TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?

Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.

Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”

I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now

I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”

I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.