Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.

[time machine appears in my old bedroom]

FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.

YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*

[time machine ceases to exist]

FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.

To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.

Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

I don’t judge you when you make a typo.

I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.

Then I judge you.

I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

This could be us but you eatin’

If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.

Wife: our toddler just hit me.

Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.

[later]

Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-

Daughter: I’m sorry.

Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man