Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.

Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

im gay on my mothers side

“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”

My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.

in the ocean

Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself

Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*

Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.

Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?

Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me