Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
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I’m sorry I tweeted about the same topic as someone else, but in my defense, I haven’t read the entire internet yet.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Marriage is like wine. It gets better with age. Also it makes you say things you regret.
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
When I was young I wanted to date a doctor for money.
Can you believe how superficial I was?!?
Now I would date him for the prescriptions.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
Refrigerator ice dispensers are perfect for those times when you need either zero or 5000 ice cubes.