ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
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[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My nickname in high school was “who?”
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.