Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed

Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree

me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?

google: give it to someone else

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

[at lunch with friend]

Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.

Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?

Friend: Exactly *winks*

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

*first day as Robin Hood

“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”

The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?

Tequila mockingbird.

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

[things I worry about on vacation]

1) Getting eaten by a shark

2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places

Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?

Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”

Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.

Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro

If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the job of 3-5 people