Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”

“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.

As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.

Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.

Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?

Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.

Child: I’ll ask mom.

You spin me right round, baby, right round…

~ my Roomba at night probably

Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.

Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.

Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.

-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting

[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.