16: Mom, do we have any cheese?
Me: Bring me my purse.
16:
Me: I said, bring me my purse!
16: Cheese?
Me: BRINGGG MEEE MYYY PURSE!
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[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
[montage of me giving-up]
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.