Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.

Everyone: Please

If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.

its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.

Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400

My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.

RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists

Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.

whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.

I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.

My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.

Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁

This joke is 7 years old

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk

Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change

ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage