90% of a relationship is figuring out where to eat
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Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Sometimes you send an email that requires a response, and the other person writes back right away, and it’s like NO NOT YET.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
We’re all still reeling from the events yesterday. Here’s what we know:
-I got an everything bagel w/ chive cream cheese at 10:30am
-I went to the park at 10:39
-I put my bagel down to take a pic of a squirrel I think I’ve met before
-Bagel went missing at 10:40More info soon.
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”