90% of a relationship is figuring out where to eat
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Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Why am I like this?
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
this is what they would have looked like, though
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.