I suspect that low-carb diets work not because they are healthier, but because without carbs I simply lose the will to eat.
Funniest Food Tweets on the Internet
The Roomba just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.
I just got cold while I was eating ice cream, so instead of stopping eating ice cream, I put on a jacket.
When one door closes, another one opens. And then closes. And then opens. It’s the fridge. It’s me in front of the fridge.
Just choked on an apple seed. This is what I get for trying to eat healthy. Reese’s Peanut Butter cups don’t pull this shit.
Just disassembled my sandwich and put chips on it in the middle of a business meeting like a 9-year-old. A totally awesome 9-year-old.
Every morn’ we drive by the same spot on I-85 and the smell makes my mouth water. Found out today. Purina dog food plant. 😭#WhosAGoodBoy?
The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.
90% of a relationship is figuring out where to eat
If I were Tinkerbell, my pixie dust would be shredded cheese.
* Rides off into the sunset *
* Rides back five minutes later because there weren’t snacks *
I’d pay for newspaper delivery if instead of a newspaper they’d put a breakfast burrito in that little bag.
Apparently, my daily diet is known in athletic circles as “carb loading.”
I love dresses with pockets because I look like a fancy lady while also keeping my cheez-its accessible.
Guac should be free at Chipotle if you can correctly pronounce “Chipotle.” #ThereISaidIt
I wish you’d just tell me what I did wrong instead of ordering me a burrito without cheese.
Winter is really just a 3 month long eating contest.
please don’t open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
16: Mom, do we have any cheese?
Me: Bring me my purse.
16:
Me: I said, bring me my purse!
16: Cheese?
Me: BRINGGG MEEE MYYY PURSE!
Will work for food. Except carrots. Also no beans or vegetables. Fruits also out. Also, anything “grainy.” Five Guys or In & Out is OK.
Me: Is there a place to get pizza around here?
Girl who has been to Europe: I have been to Europe
I hate when I try to order a salad and my mouth says, “I’ll have a double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.”
So I’m just supposed to know that you can’t eat the outside of the pineapple, like I’m some sort of scientist
I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS
[Blackstreet Bakery]
Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] “I love the way you work it”
Baker: “No diggity?”
Me: “Baguette up.”
WAITER: Room for dessert?
[flashback to the room at home that hides all my desserts]
ME: [nervous laugh] Haha I don’t have one of those.
Godzilla on his smartphone, googling ‘How many carbs does Tokyo have’
“when people say different color bell peppers taste different”
[doctor nodding] I meant anything bothering you physically
A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
The Roomba vacuum cleaner just beat me to a piece of popcorn I dropped on the floor & this is how the war against the machines begins.