A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
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[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
you’re an adult – don’t let anyone ruin your life and peace. You can do that shit on your own.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
✨☝️✨
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.
But it’s harder to deter gents.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.