A sign in the window reads CURED MEATS. Inside, a salami takes his first steps since the accident. A prosciutto learns to forgive.
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First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Put my back out twerking in the library again
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known