Apparently, my daily diet is known in athletic circles as “carb loading.”
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me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
no exceptions
returning to work after a holiday weekend like
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.