Apparently, my daily diet is known in athletic circles as “carb loading.”
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When a Bigfoot only uses violence as a solution to a problem, that’s called toxic sasqulinity send tweet
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
For the record, saying somebody of the same sex is handsome or pretty or attractive does not make you seem gay at all, but prefacing that statement with “I’m not gay but…” kinda does
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer