Apparently, my daily diet is known in athletic circles as “carb loading.”
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Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
found a horse’s reddit account
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I bet doom scroll meant something way cooler in the middle ages.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.