Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.

No. YOU-buprofen.

dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough

John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.

*Grilling salmon

TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder

4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?

Me: Bat cheese?

4: Yes

Me: Bat. Cheese?

4: Yes. Bat cheese.

Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?

4: For my car

Me:

4:

Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!

4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

[dinner party]

GUEST: it has come to my attention that one of us is a secret time traveller.

ME: *tasting wine the waiter brought to the table* mmm, what year is this?

[everyone slowly turns their head]

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them

They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.

Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.

I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people

HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-

ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.

Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato

DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes

I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.

I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.

Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.

Maybe they can carry me home.

Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”