endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS
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[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Good boy 😂😂
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Taliband
If I ignore life will it go away?
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
Remorse?
I’m pretty sure I didn’t morse in the first place.
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
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I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*