Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

I should have stayed in kindergarten.

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

Me too, bag. Me too….

🤣😂🤣😂

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great

ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?

FRIEND: Sure

ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning

Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.

Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.

I love it all

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

Me: “When will you be home?”

Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”

All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.

ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone

My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.

Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….

Not as easy as it looks is it?

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”