endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS
You Might Also Like
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
Our dog knows way too many phrases now, so my husband and I have resorted to talking like Victorian nobility to get anything by him. “Have you taken the dog on a brisk adventure recently? Would you escort the canine to the backyard, forthwith? Has he supped yet?”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.