Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: We are leaving in an hour

Teens: Okay

*58 mins later*

Teens: *start cooking their lunch*

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen

Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.

God: please stop screaming.

Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!

God: you aren’t a ghost bear.

Polar Bear: are you sure?

God: that’s just how you look.

Polar Bear: oh. ok.

[Swan flies by]

God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!

If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.

My middle-schooler who happens to be at Comedy Camp this week just caught me using my fingers to calculate the month then ran to write it down so his final showcase should be sufficiently horrifying.

Him: You need to work on your communication skills

Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-

Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM

I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.

Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]

Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.

local ordinance bans backyard rocket launches?? moving my experiments to the city park

*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*

911 operator: i need your exact location

Me: nevermind

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”

Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here

Me: You’ll never take me alive.

Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.

Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

me: you remind me of my college boyfriend

husband: you never told me about him

me: we just started dating. he’s a junior

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

wait.

I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best

TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes