Every morn’ we drive by the same spot on I-85 and the smell makes my mouth water. Found out today. Purina dog food plant. 😭#WhosAGoodBoy?
You Might Also Like
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
it takes so much energy
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
🙋♀️
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?