Every mornâ we drive by the same spot on I-85 and the smell makes my mouth water. Found out today. Purina dog food plant. đ#WhosAGoodBoy?
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Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Letâs take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
I should be paying way less taxes if Iâm supposed to âsave democracyâ this often
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying theyâd broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
My daughter is so criticalâŚ
âAnother cup of coffee?â
âThatâs a lot of salt.â
âYour pants are on inside out. Again.â
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
âIâll just use bug sprayâ
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
đśâŚwe didnât start the fiređľ
me: Iâm looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: sheâs strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: thatâs not important
cop: it kinda is
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. Thatâs way scarier.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
Kids: âMom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. Youâre not looking. Mom look. Look at me. Youâre not looking.â
Me: merging onto the highway
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Havenât even received my $1,200 yet and Iâm already worried about gold-diggers.
âplay stupid games, win stupid prizesâ bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me whoâs always been a good tipper] youâre welcome
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Letâs go through this one more time.
If I had any self control Iâd probably eat that too.
All Iâm saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk â whatâs the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: heâs just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee youâll change your mind real quick.
Will Smith: âJaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with meâ
My Dad: âShut up and hold this flashlight Steveâ
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didnât know existed.