Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

This will never not be funny to me.

i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.

Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room

Friend: You teach first grade

Me: I’m so fat…

Him: *rolls eyes*

Me: *rolls fat*

Her: What superpower would you choose?

Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others

This morning my 4yo made up the best joke I’ve ever heard???

“What do you call a carriage pulled by snakes?”

“A hiss-drawn carriage”

When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

A great first step 😂

On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.

My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

KitKats are really good for you… they are mostly air, which is oxygen.

😭

HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.

My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me