Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.

My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

problems i need

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE

Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either

Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]

My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

“dress for the job you want”

There’s a job you want???

I may lack the tail feathers needed to flirt like a peacock but i’ve never seen them manage to rock the Running Man dance so I think it’s clear who the real winner is here

🤣😂🤣😂

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

Wife: I find him very patronising.

Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.

Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.