Every mornâ we drive by the same spot on I-85 and the smell makes my mouth water. Found out today. Purina dog food plant. đ#WhosAGoodBoy?
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Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Inspecting every trashcan in the office for pits after discovering someone ate nearly all of my cherries. Cherries that were in a sealed bag labeled Erin. I shall exact my revenge with fire and blood.
Iâm not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly Iâve learned itâs not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
When your boss says itâs not a two person job.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and itâs like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a âself-proclaimed man of few words.â Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news Iâve heard all day
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, thereâs no reason to get angry.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughterâs enemies? You better believe they know this.
Iâve been clicking âremind me laterâ on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that Iâm not interested?
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
â birds
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isnât. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
My toxic trait is my personality or so Iâve been told.
âIf you canât beat them, join them,â I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. Iâm going back to bed
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on âremember meâ*
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, whatâs at the end of life
7 y/o: thatâs aâŚ. I mean, thatâs a big⌠itâs complicatedâŚ
Teacher: I mean the word âlifeâ
Iâve heard parents say they donât enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommyâs coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommyâs water gets to be my favorite for the day
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
When I see a âHow am I driving?â sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon youâre auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say âOK Iâll let you knowâ
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.