Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.

Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.

Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.

[7 AM at the grocery store]

Me: Wow all the old people are out early.

Me [realizing I am out with them]: Dammit.

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

totally get it, nature valley bar, i also pretend to be healthy and then crumble under the slightest pressure

a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her

I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.

Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are

LOL!

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.

Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!

I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.

But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.

Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”