Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Diary,

I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

Google Pay be like:

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.

Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?

Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

Me: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL

I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.

son: can I ask you a random question?

me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]

Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?

7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV

I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

How to find Kentucky on a map

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”