Godzilla on his smartphone, googling ‘How many carbs does Tokyo have’
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The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
scares
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online