Godzilla on his smartphone, googling ‘How many carbs does Tokyo have’
You Might Also Like
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
Don’t forget to tip your server
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
make up your mind
Word!
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”
Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.