Godzilla on his smartphone, googling ‘How many carbs does Tokyo have’
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Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
Sorry I was late, I was waiting for my cvs receipt to finish printing
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here: