Godzilla on his smartphone, googling ‘How many carbs does Tokyo have’
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accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? I would look pretty stupid walking around the grocery store with 12 baskets.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
The manager at the karaoke bar said I’m allowed to sing ‘SexyBack’ by Justin Timberlake but only if I remain perfectly still while doing so.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
The future is now.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
I try
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment