Guac should be free at Chipotle if you can correctly pronounce “Chipotle.” #ThereISaidIt
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Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.