I hate when I try to order a salad and my mouth says, “I’ll have a double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Stop sending me this shit.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
You look like you would fail a DNA test
toast can’t talk how do you know it’s french
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
why would tinder want me to say this
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”