I hate when I try to order a salad and my mouth says, “I’ll have a double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.”
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Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.(Not mine, but very lovely)
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”