I hate when I try to order a salad and my mouth says, “I’ll have a double Quarter Pounder with Cheese.”
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Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Let’s Go
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
Going to start referring to my contacts as “eyebuds”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I had to Stop for this
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.