I just got cold while I was eating ice cream, so instead of stopping eating ice cream, I put on a jacket.
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best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Me: Alexa, text my mother-in-law back
Alexa: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now. Please try again later
Me: Perfect, send it
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’