I just got cold while I was eating ice cream, so instead of stopping eating ice cream, I put on a jacket.
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Seems kinda suspicious
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no