I just got cold while I was eating ice cream, so instead of stopping eating ice cream, I put on a jacket.
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Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
Sign at work today
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Fuck cryptocurrency I want cryptidcurrency
I wanna buy illegal shit off the dark web with pictures of Bigfoot
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
a lot to unpack here
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”