Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.

*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated

*wakes up in cremation oven*

I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything

Me: Don’t make this weird

Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.

Twitter: Hold my beer.

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea

Patient: what? I don’t understand

Me (starts slow clap)

The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.

When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.

Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.

Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”

If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

In the theater

Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?

Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.

My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?

My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.

Replace all HR departments with fight clubs

HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

Weirdly Wednesday.