I love dresses with pockets because I look like a fancy lady while also keeping my cheez-its accessible.
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genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.