Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

I need to babyproof my house.

I’m not having a baby, I’m just extremely clumsy

I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.

Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.

You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.

Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.

3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?

Me: What? I don’t know

3: Dadda get up, go find it

Me: …..

3: …..

Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?

3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”

This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics

I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.

My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon

You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.

You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.

*My kids are fighting*

9yo: You’re acting like a baby !

6yo: And you’re acting like dad !

My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.

Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

Enter password:

“ScoobyDoo”

sorry password must contain a special character

ScoobydooFeaturingBatman

Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.

“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”