I suspect that low-carb diets work not because they are healthier, but because without carbs I simply lose the will to eat.
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I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*