I suspect that low-carb diets work not because they are healthier, but because without carbs I simply lose the will to eat.
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Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.