I suspect that low-carb diets work not because they are healthier, but because without carbs I simply lose the will to eat.
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I’m already scared
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
The journey of a thousand miles begins with stealing your neighbor’s car
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.