I wish you’d just tell me what I did wrong instead of ordering me a burrito without cheese.
You Might Also Like
my grandfather spent many decades & his entire life savings unsuccessfully trying to develop & grow the world’s first ham sandwich tree
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
How do you get down from an elephant?
You don’t, down comes from ducks and geese
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.