I wish you’d just tell me what I did wrong instead of ordering me a burrito without cheese.
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“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Every work meeting this week
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.