I wish you’d just tell me what I did wrong instead of ordering me a burrito without cheese.
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Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
I am a gravy boat captain
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot