Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hospital]

DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR

ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle

DOCTOR: She insisted

They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

My dad is in Hawaii for travel…

When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.

I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.

American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.

British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?

Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.

Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.

[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]

‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave

My mother is bringing three of her favorite side dishes to dinner: green bean casserole, criticism, and passive aggressive comments

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

99 ninety nine
88 eighty eight
77 seventy seven
66 sixty six
55 fifty five
44 forty four
33 thirty three
22 twenty two
11 tenty one

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas

my date last night:

– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his ex

dating is fun, you guys

#katesdates

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture

“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”

ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?

DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone