Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.

Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.

The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime

I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.

If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby

If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.

“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.

When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

there is a guy i see every single time i’m at the gym. morning, night, midday, twice a days, i’m like this is outrageous. today, i’m here & there are two of them. they’re twins lmao it’s all adding up

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.

Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.

Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.

“Worm Regards”

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine

I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.

Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.

[1st date]

-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.

Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.

People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos

Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.

When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner