Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I come from a time of excessive Durans.

you spend so long trying to think of a name for your cat only to end up calling them “for god’s sake” and “please stop”

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

[first date]

Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol

Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape

The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.

Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*

Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident

Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.

her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?

me: *making airplane noises* why

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.

Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.

I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.

I said into the microphone at karaoke “I hope they never catch that guy” and everyone cheered

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.

In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario

I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.

My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.

Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you