If I were Tinkerbell, my pixie dust would be shredded cheese.
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When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good