If I were Tinkerbell, my pixie dust would be shredded cheese.
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“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
NASA has no chill
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
I’m eating for two; me and the person I strive to be
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.