I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
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WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat
my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I heard a sexy “i saw mommy kissing sata claus” which is unsettling—either the adult saw her senior mother kiss Santa (her dad?) and is horned up about it OR she’s singing about herself being Mommy having an out of body dissociation, either way, up her prescriptions
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?