I’m looking at the serving size of Laughing Cow cheese and I see why the cow is laughing.
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Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
#Caturday
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.