Just choked on an apple seed. This is what I get for trying to eat healthy. Reese’s Peanut Butter cups don’t pull this shit.
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Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
If you steal piles of leaves from someone else’s yard it’s called grand theft autumn.
So you better just leaf it right there. 😎🍂
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
astonishing that every day people wake up and decide to have a go in the menswear guy replies. “I’m gonna put this guy in his place.” no you’re not. you’re a henchman breaking into John Wick’s home. you’ve made bad life choices
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.