Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.

I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery

How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”

My 6yo announced from the bathroom that he has good news and bad news, how scared should I be

I like to think I’m smart

Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground

[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.

Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.

●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.

daughter: can i keep the night light on?

me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie

Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.

And I’ve still got time.

HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.

[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box

when I go to parties I always bring my own plunger

Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.

Elephant: I can hear you, you know.

I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you

Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”

Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

[slight drizzle outside]

Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE

Batman v Dracula

If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor

If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it

Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .

If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.