Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to

Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

ME: Is this chicken cooked?

WAITER: Why do you ask?

ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.

Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….

Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!

does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?

Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink

Me: I drink it while I watch sports.

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.

Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]

so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face

reduce, reuse, recycle

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.

Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

There’s either a lot of cops out today, or I’m under surveillance.

In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.

I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.

ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van

FRIEND: …and?

ME: that’s it i guess

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”