Just disassembled my sandwich and put chips on it in the middle of a business meeting like a 9-year-old. A totally awesome 9-year-old.
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the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
You’re like if “nope” was a person.