Just disassembled my sandwich and put chips on it in the middle of a business meeting like a 9-year-old. A totally awesome 9-year-old.
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*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
The pigeons are plotting to overthrow the government. It will start with a coo.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!