Me: Is there a place to get pizza around here?
Girl who has been to Europe: I have been to Europe
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wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
if pennywise had a fraternal twin it’d be named quarterstupid
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in