Me: Is there a place to get pizza around here?
Girl who has been to Europe: I have been to Europe
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.