please don’t open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
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Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
“The Perfect Relationship”
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Love this one 😂🧟
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Thanked a rival dad at the neighborhood chili cook off for making his mild so my kids could have some.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
(making small talk with a couple) so have you guys ever cheated on each other?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
A comic by Hugleikur Dagsson
