please don’t open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
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How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
The fact that homeowners
associations exist is wild to me. You buy an entire house and some lady a couple doors down can tell you that you’re not allowed to display your antique frog statue and you have to pay a fine? insane.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.