please don’t open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the refrigerator
You Might Also Like
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
wtf
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan