Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.

8: What’s this music?

Me: The Ramones, do you like it?

8: No, it sounds too easy to do.

Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?

#FoundAtGrandmasHouse

Grandpa’s welcome sign

“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”

My camera roll:

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.

Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

Daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!”

“Uhh, yeah, it’s because the bottom half is missing.”

Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.

If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….

I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.

If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.

When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we

king kong: oh you’re one to talk

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….

But, I can walk.

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?

I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.